Has it really been almost a year since my last post??? oh, there’s been a lot and not that much going on at the same time. 6:46p on a Saturday canceled an EMT shift and buckled down for my last real finals week
On being a late start fuckup, learning how to function, making simple mistakes, leading with the obvious, misreading context, defaulting to overbearing or meek, the first step in the wrong direction, burdening others with verbosity on the way to making a point, losing sight of the larger picture’s implications, failing to account for all needs at hand, tunnel vision as cowardice, collateral damage through neglect, hopelessly sweet but not always in an endearing way, overall disappointing others; and reasonable, self-aware, genuinely insightful, and even sharp upon reflection and in moments of unguarded stillness only. Then there’s being easily preyed upon from the faulty first takes, continuing to carry scars from their fallout for a prolonged period of paralysis. Incorporating negative feedback is urgent now. Some form of project management is the skill to cultivate to offset these shortcomings. I need to take coordinate and optimize and allocate my resources with the utmost efficiency; not act on delayed, awkward, and vaguely defined instincts.
There are genuine insights in here, but the presentation has been so stilted for so long. The only antidote is a bold, unrelenting discourse with others and myself through putting myself out there, brutal reactions and all. I feel that being sharp, or functionally intelligent, boils down to accounting for all implications of an endeavor and adjusting accordingly. Presenting as smart in immediately relevant practice rather than in theory like nerd smarts is my most urgent priority. It’s what impels me to the fire service.
Tonight I’m a bit knocked out from being adjacent to the party, and even so it was daunting enough for me to persist after I showed up. 3:13a Wednesday on finals week of Spring semester, months after this sentence was written and I have no idea what it’s referring to.
Giving your fullest attention to what’s directly in front of you is the definition of charisma. Actually focusing on my schoolwork at the very end after a season of neglect with only a few valid excuses, I’m again finding the joy in no-bullshit work. In one direction, no side exits, and no amount of multi-tasking can distract. In fact, multitasking is the ultimate coward’s way out. It comes from my obvious instinct to compensate for those times when I didn’t have much going on by having too much going on, and the lack of depth in all my pursuits was fueling impostorism. I’m not the first person to go down this path. Now I’m reveling in feelings of accomplishing undeniable output and the freedom on the other side of this week.
I’ve packed on back-to-back ambulance shifts next week with the potential to add to 60+ hours and that sweet overtime. I’ve made next to no money four months into this year save for a few too-generous and unexpected dividends from past lives and I’m ready to focus on money as facilitating Mom’s retirement is the ultimate motivator. She’s worked a decade too long at this point, not even counting the years that could be tallied from those 12-hour shifts six days a week. This summer I’ve got wildland hand crew work out in the forests upstate, the biggest concrete leap towards the fire service outside of my half commitments as an EMT. It’ll be good pay. I’m only a capstone and one class across this summer and fall away from an undergrad degree from a negligible school, a second bachelor’s but really my first official, supposedly a great accomplishment. Still, I find it unimpressive for my age, and any outside recognition I receive for these efforts, I know they just won’t strike deep to give me any real assuredness. Pure narcissism on my part to be unable to be gracious and take in people’s positive feedback. Still, I feel motivated to soothe that nonfunctional underachiever years ago, who just could not impress anyone despite the potential he knew he had somewhere in there. Now in my late twenties, I’m at this weird intersection of striving for physical strength and effectiveness, of the status and bearing of the fire service and military, and of attempting to project intellectual depth through middling academic achievements from state universities, and artistic depth through nods to creative outlets, however slim. I still long for the chance to be admitted into a prestigious university on the other side of the country for graduate school, how silly, but my grades don’t back it up, I think, save for this capstone to be the ultimate show of force. Outwardly I’ve got a lot more going for me than I could’ve imagined at the beginning of my twenties, so we’re getting somewhere. If only my insides could stop tossing and turning about it all.
